The Wrong Race

A quick analogy to describe how, emotionally, I'm feeling, since I don't want to say it any other way:
You're running a race- a marathon, perhaps. It's a long one. It's tiring, and confusing, and you get injured several times- a sprain here, a fall there. The runner's high helps, and sometimes you feel like you're flying because it feels so easy and so good. You keep going because you're sure that a wonderful prize is awaiting you, a prize that you think is perfect for you and will make you happy for possibly the rest of your life. You've never run this race before, you've never run for this kind of prize. You want it, you ache for it.
You run and run and run and run, keeping your eyes forward, ignoring the pain, offering it up, praying for strength, thanking God for the race and begging for the prize. Then you can see the finish line vaguely in the distance- at least, you think that's the end...you're not quite sure. Someone on the sideline yells that the prize has been moved to a different race. You trip and fall, but get back up, determined to keep going because, well, it has to be there, right? Your stomach suddenly feels the ribbon as you stumble through the finish line that seemed to come out of nowhere. And what do you see?
Nothing.
The prize is not there. It's put away somewhere, waiting for a different runner.
You ran the wrong race. The prize never was for you in the first place.
You gasp, placing your hands on your head as you try to regain your breath. You are exhausted. Your body aches. You collapse and put your head in your hands, in utter disbelief. You ran the wrong race? You were certain that prize was for you.
You look up to Heaven, eyes begging "Why?..."
You don't want to run any more. You want to hide and sleep.
But God tells you not to get discouraged. You still completed the race and He is proud of you- it was good for you to run it. Now you're stronger. Now it's time for you to find the right path to the right course. And when you find it and start to run, the prize will be more amazing than you could ever imagine. You stand up, still tired, still aching. You know it will take time to recover, and that's okay. You tell God you don't want to do what you think is good for you, but what He wants for you. Step by step, with prayers ever on your lips, you move forward, guided by the One who knows which path is best. You have hope, and "Hope does not disappoint" (Rom. 5:5).
AMDG BVMH

You're wonderful, but I don't want you...

One of these days, someone who thinks I'm absolutely wonderful is not going to just tell me I am, he's actually going to want to be with me. And that will be great.
Until then... well, I will wait and hope and pray.

Monday musings

It's only Monday and I'm already exhausted and ready for a weekend.
So I misheard a DCFC lyric today, but I liked what I misheard. "You won't give what you want." A little bitter, but perhaps a truth you need to hear. You want deep and authentic love? Then give it.
Of course, I should take my own advice as well.
I really should have gone to bed a while ago. But here's an interesting little conflict taking place inside of my heart: feeling out of control, and feeling too much responsibility.
I feel out of control when it comes to managing my eating and trying to lose weight and be healthier. I feel out of control regarding my career path- this internship is quite certainly a fast track to an HR job that I'm not sure I want. And about growing up? I can't stop that from happening. I'm afraid of turning into a cynical and bitter adult who can't find any joy or wonder in a gray and dreary world. I find myself slipping into this dark water of helplessness and I feel like I'm drowning.
A friend reminded me that I'm not helpless, that I'm in control of whether I become jaded, or whether I take a job. He's right; if only I could calm down and let that soak in.
Concerning too much responsibility, this whole being-single-and-discerning-marriage thing has been more stressful than I wanted it. Do I get excited at the idea of being married and raising a household of Catholic children? OH yeah. But I hate going places and catching myself wondering if my future husband will be there. I don't like feeling like I have to look for him and put myself out there. I know I already talked about the advice I've been given: I know I need to just let God do his thing, but man, it is difficult. I really just want to not think about it, you know? When I think about dating again, I want to run away and hide. I'd like to be able to live my life without thinking about when the love of my life is going to waltz in and introduce himself. I'm frustrated.
And you're right. I worry way too much.
Interesting that the past few days, I have been in a foul-tempered mood. I would say that I have my melancholy moods every so often, but I am rarely in a peeved mood. However, recently I have been negative and irritable and whiny. I didn't smile a whole lot this weekend. It was bad, and I am still noticing angry and bitter thoughts. What is going on here? I may very well be under some spiritual attack. Yay, spiritual warfare. Back off, prince of lies. Stop telling me to worry. God has all of this under control, and I have only to seek his will. He is taking care of me. St. Michael, call in backup.
Enough of that.
5 Things for Which I'm Thankful:
-A young man at work, whose mother I know and who recently introduced himself, touched my arm and winked and smiled at me today as I brought food into a meeting he was attending. It made me feel recognized, valued, and loved. (It's the little things, you know?)
-Laughter in the workplace, and the girl with whom I work who constantly amuses me.
-A dad who loves and supports me in everything
-Story of a Soul: The Autobiography of St. Therese of Lisieux. Just started it today during my lunch break. Hopefully I'll get to blog any reflections or ah-HA! moments that it instigates.
-Chicken Marsala. Tasty life.

Bed time at last. Good night and God Bless. Pray for me, I'll pray for you.
AMDG BVMH

Fiat Voluntas Tua

I had a nice long chat yesterday with the mother of a friend of mine. She is one of the most beautiful women in the entire world: holy and loving and an incredible example of selfless love and motherhood done right. I want to be like her. Anyway, I talked her ear off for an hour or two about what happened this last year at school- all the joy, fun, hurt, and heartbreak that I experienced. Her advice was simple and profound. She told me to surrender to God's Providence, to stop striving. "The more we trust, the more God acts," she said. She advised that I just seek God and try to love Him as best I can, and everything else will fall into place. She said I didn't need to be seeking a guy, or worrying about when I'll find him- she said I didn't need to do anything. Just seek God and trust Him, and let Him do all the work.
Good advice, I thought. Implementing it will be difficult, but I need to do it. I've already felt my peace of heart slipping away recently as I wonder how on earth I'm going to find a good guy to marry (if that's God's will), along with what the heck I'm doing/going to do with my life. Feeling the pressure to search for the right guy, to plan my career path, to figure out my future, has left me feeling empty and paralyzed...and afraid. The anxiety (from the Latin angere meaning "to choke") has taken a hold of me and made me miserable. And quite frankly, I'm tired of it. So like my friend's mother said, I'm surrendering.
God, give me the grace to trust in You and Your plan for me. Help me strive for nothing but the fulfillment of Your will, and grant me peace of heart.
Now for today's Scriptures (http://www.usccb.org/nab/today.shtml) which, of course, apply perfectly to my current situation. St. Paul talks about boasting of his weaknesses- if I feel anything right now, it's weakness. So it's perfect that the first reading says "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness," and "Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong." NICE. And then, of course, the Gospel reading from Matthew is about not being anxious: "Do not worry about tomorrow..." and "But seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides." Exactly, right?! I need to focus on the one goal- the Kingdom of God (and all the things that go with it- holiness, prayer, Mass, etc.) and following God's will for me, and He will take care of the rest. I do not need to worry. I do not need to plan. I do not need to strive. I need to let go. That will give me peace. Another Bible verse that is helpful in this: "The Lord himself will fight for you;  you have only to be still" (Exodus 14:14). And a favorite quote of mine from St. Faustina: "However, beyond all abandonment I trust, and in spite of my own feeling I trust...Do not lessen any of my sufferings, only give me strength to bear them. Do with me as you please, Lord, only give me the grace to be able to love You in every event and circumstance." Awesome.
So that will be my focus for a while- abandonment, submission, surrender, and total trust. Pray for me. Blessed Mother, pray for me.
AMDG BVMH

Constant Battle

Sometimes I feel absolutely worthless, fat, ugly, and unlovable.
It's terrible.
This is one of those times.
So...prayer and bedtime. Offering it up.
AMDG BVMH

The Snake Dream

Do snakes chase people? In my dreams, without fail, they always do.
So, the shot fogs up and you fade into my subconscious mind, where you witness the following:
I'm in my house, in the upstairs hallway right by the stairs. Someone has just yelled to me that there is a snake up there, and then I see it. It's quite small- maybe just an inch or two wide and a couple feet long. It sees me, I see it, and the chase begins. I race to my parents' bedroom (they aren't there) and shut myself in the bathroom, panicking as I realize that the snake could slither under the door and get me. I think I shoved towels to prevent such a terrible thing from occurring. Extremely agitated, I pace and pace, praying and wringing my hands and wondering how I'm going to deal with this situation (kill the snake/get out of the bathroom unharmed).
Then I decide to peak out the bathroom door, where I am shocked to discover that the snake is dead. It had accidentally slivered across a razor (yes, those things with which we shave) and fileted itself into thin slices that together looked like petals of a dead snake flower (envision that, please). The funny thing was that in the dream I thought, "I didn't have to kill it! God saved me and killed it for me!" And then I was very relieved. The end.
Symbolic much? I talked to my parents about it, which is the usual routine, and then we all gave it a quick analysis. I'm being pursued by a snake, which represents? Evil! Bingo, quite obvious. I'm not sure about the hiding part, actually. Hm. Trying to shut the devil out, even the small cracks he could get through... And then, well, God saves me. I don't have to kill the devil, He will. He has, for that matter. And I'll be safe.
A dream that is the story of my life, and the Christian life? Yep. Sounds about right.
AMDG BVMH

Finally, a Catholic wedding!

I am going to a wedding this weekend. A Catholic wedding, complete with Mass. In Latin. In a beautiful Catholic church. Oh my stars. I am going to witness, for the first time in my life, the Catholic wedding of someone I actually know- a wonderful and hilarious and smart-a young man who loves his faith and is going to live it out in the sacrament of Holy Matrimony. I am SO FREAKING EXCITED. Is one of my favorite girl friends going with me? Heck yes. Am I going to cry? Definitely. Will this make me want to get married even more? Likely. Are we invited to the reception? No, technically, but we'll see what happens. Is the soon-to-be-husband planning to introduce me to a male friend of his? Yes. Wait, what? Oh geez. I wouldn't say I'm looking forward to it; in fact, I am trying not to even think about it. A friend of mine thinks he's met this guy and wasn't too impressed, so that takes a bit of pressure off me to like him. We'll see- God's will be done, right? Heck, I don't know if I can even handle (thinking about) opening myself up to someone again, after the recent heart-smashing escapade (owwww, yeah, it's still a bit sore). My heart got smashed, by the way. I did no smashing. Not to the smasher, that is...but I digress.
The wedding will be fantastic, and I am looking forward to it. Still need to figure out what I'm wearing, but I just need to remember that it doesn't really matter, because I'm really not going for the purpose of impressing anyone, not even the groom's friend. I'm going so I can witness something truly otherworldly and holy and beautiful. Psyched much? OH yeah.
AMDG BVMH

Bike Ride Gone Bad

This post is further on the rant side of the spectrum.

I went on a bike ride today with my younger sister. It was tough, but good. We were almost home, and because she was ahead of me, she made the green light. I waited on the corner for my time to cross. As I waited, I heard a voice yelling at me. "Heyyy giiiirl! Hey!" I didn't look at first, but then I glanced at them in their little car. As the light turned green they continued yelling as we all crossed the street. The last thing I heard was, "I wanna pee in your butt-hole!"

Now, let me explain a couple things about myself before I give my thoughts on this event.

Remember how I said I want to help young girls? Yes, this is because I am very passionate about women knowing their worth and about women being treated with the utmost love and respect. I am a champion of purity, modesty, chastity, and authentic love. I am hyper-sensitive to issues regarding harassment, assault, sexual abuse, and other such evils. I do not tolerate sexist attitudes, inappropriate and disrespectful jokes about sex and/or women.

For my Sociology 101 class we had to watch the movie "North Country." Charlize Theron does a marvelous job in it, by the way. It is based on the true story about the women who started working with the men in I think the mining industry. The movie depicts their struggle with the daily torments of sexual discrimination, harassment and assault, and Theron plays the woman who eventually takes her issue to court. Spoiler alert: we find out that Theron's character was raped as a teenager by one of her high school teachers. The movie shows the rape scene, and shows how her boyfriend runs away instead of helping her. The entire movie illustrates how far the men in the mines went to make the women's lives a living hell. Now I watched that movie on a little TV in the university library. I texted my boyfriend at the time that I was done watching it, so he came to walk me to my dorm. I literally cried my eyes out in his arms for probably half an hour. That is how painful that movie was for me to watch. Why? I don't know. God must have given me a heart that is especially sensitive to this kind of stuff.

Now back to today's incident. I did not yell back at the boys, I did not flip them off, as my sister said she would have done. I merely crossed the street and biked the half-block back to my house. I told my sister what happened and she was frustrated. I was becoming increasingly aggravated. I changed and went into my brother's room and told him "Some boys said bad things to me while I was biking." His expression revealed a "Oh, come on..." type of reaction, and I called him out and asked what that face meant. He said "Well, bad for you can mean two different things..."

Here's the thing. I don't care whether you yell "Hey hottie, can I have your number?!" or what those boys said today: both are NOT okay. Both are harassment, both are revealing a disrespect and lack of acknowledgment of men and women's common humanity. Both say "You are an object for my pleasure rather than a person to be cherished."

So I cried for a while. I cried for the boys, saying a prayer that they would change. I cried for the girls they've hurt and prayed for protection for the girls they may hurt. I cried in utter exasperation at a society- at a world- that socializes boys into thinking they are entitled to say things that like to women, and to treat women as less than human. Did those boys even think before they said that to me? Did they think about what it meant? Would they want some guy saying that to their sister? Do they think their mom would be proud that her boy made such a remark?

Their specific comment was disgusting, and it horrified me. That's the kind of attitude that makes rape seem okay. It reveals some frightening misogyny. And I cried that they have that attitude, and that they made me feel like dirt. I just can't believe anyone could say that to someone.

So now I'm a bit scarred, a bit angry, and very hurt. I cried to my parents when they came home. Thank goodness for the comforting embrace of my father, a man who treats me like treasure.

Needless to say, that ruined my bike ride a bit.

Lord, forgive those boys for what they said, and transform their hearts into ones that will love and cherish women. Help every woman know her worth, and not be broken down by hateful and sexist comments. Guide us to live in full awareness of the equal dignity between man and woman, and help us love each other as You love us. Amen.

AMDG BVMH

A Short Introduction

Hello blogger. After many years, and many posts from high school under a different blog name (no,  I won't tell you), I have returned to the blogging world. I needed an avenue for reflections and rants, etc. and several people I know have blogs that I want to follow, so this happens to work out. 

A quick introduction, I suppose... Hey.

Okay that doesn't quite cut it.

Hi. I am a Catholic. I'm a student, halfway through my college career. I love my family and my friends and pretty much everyone. In fact, as cheesy as it sounds, that is what my life is all about. My goal is to love as many people as I can, as well as I can, for the greater glory of God. I enjoy being excited about everything: Mass, all things Catholic, green grass, what you're doing with your life, good books, fun times with friends, foreign languages, cool paper/pens/fonts/designs, music, and on and on and on. My almost relentless enthusiasm and wonder can be overwhelming. I like smiling- smiling is my favorite- I wish people smiled more. I like walking barefoot and leaving people notes. Chances are I already like you. I tend to go overboard in my affection for people I love, and then heartbreak is especially painful when the love is unrequited (not that that's happened recently or anything...). I am still locked in lengthy battle against insecurity and low self-esteem, for which I anticipate eventual victory (God is on my side).

I am discerning my vocation, which could be the consecrated life since I've felt called to that for a long time, or to the married life, to which I have recently been feeling quite attracted. I'm pursuing a degree in Sociology, though I am also interested in psychology, philosophy, history, art, and theology (too many interests, not enough time!). This summer, like the last, I'm an HR intern for a big company, pushing papers, making copies and such. Hopefully that won't be my job for forever, just until I pay off my school loans. Heh... I don't know what God wants me to do with my life yet, but I would love to help young girls with self-esteem issues, eating disorders, problems due to abuse or assault. I would want to help them learn how to be modest, pure, confident, and strong.

Essentially, I am a young Catholic student, living in an increasingly secular and materialistic world, in pursuit of holiness and sainthood and ultimately, Heaven. It should be noted that this quest is arduous and perilous, but will be completely worth it.

So in contrast with my old old blog in which I did more of a daily journal thing, this blog will be my thoughts and reflections about...things. Important things- that's the plan, at least. We'll see, won't we?

AMDG BVMH