Monday musings

It's only Monday and I'm already exhausted and ready for a weekend.
So I misheard a DCFC lyric today, but I liked what I misheard. "You won't give what you want." A little bitter, but perhaps a truth you need to hear. You want deep and authentic love? Then give it.
Of course, I should take my own advice as well.
I really should have gone to bed a while ago. But here's an interesting little conflict taking place inside of my heart: feeling out of control, and feeling too much responsibility.
I feel out of control when it comes to managing my eating and trying to lose weight and be healthier. I feel out of control regarding my career path- this internship is quite certainly a fast track to an HR job that I'm not sure I want. And about growing up? I can't stop that from happening. I'm afraid of turning into a cynical and bitter adult who can't find any joy or wonder in a gray and dreary world. I find myself slipping into this dark water of helplessness and I feel like I'm drowning.
A friend reminded me that I'm not helpless, that I'm in control of whether I become jaded, or whether I take a job. He's right; if only I could calm down and let that soak in.
Concerning too much responsibility, this whole being-single-and-discerning-marriage thing has been more stressful than I wanted it. Do I get excited at the idea of being married and raising a household of Catholic children? OH yeah. But I hate going places and catching myself wondering if my future husband will be there. I don't like feeling like I have to look for him and put myself out there. I know I already talked about the advice I've been given: I know I need to just let God do his thing, but man, it is difficult. I really just want to not think about it, you know? When I think about dating again, I want to run away and hide. I'd like to be able to live my life without thinking about when the love of my life is going to waltz in and introduce himself. I'm frustrated.
And you're right. I worry way too much.
Interesting that the past few days, I have been in a foul-tempered mood. I would say that I have my melancholy moods every so often, but I am rarely in a peeved mood. However, recently I have been negative and irritable and whiny. I didn't smile a whole lot this weekend. It was bad, and I am still noticing angry and bitter thoughts. What is going on here? I may very well be under some spiritual attack. Yay, spiritual warfare. Back off, prince of lies. Stop telling me to worry. God has all of this under control, and I have only to seek his will. He is taking care of me. St. Michael, call in backup.
Enough of that.
5 Things for Which I'm Thankful:
-A young man at work, whose mother I know and who recently introduced himself, touched my arm and winked and smiled at me today as I brought food into a meeting he was attending. It made me feel recognized, valued, and loved. (It's the little things, you know?)
-Laughter in the workplace, and the girl with whom I work who constantly amuses me.
-A dad who loves and supports me in everything
-Story of a Soul: The Autobiography of St. Therese of Lisieux. Just started it today during my lunch break. Hopefully I'll get to blog any reflections or ah-HA! moments that it instigates.
-Chicken Marsala. Tasty life.

Bed time at last. Good night and God Bless. Pray for me, I'll pray for you.
AMDG BVMH